A new course, at mid-life.

June 2, 2009 by Pastor Dan.

I am responding here to a Comment just posted re: my May 31 entry, “I thought you should know.” Thanks, Doctor Olson, for your thoughtful remarks. I welcome the dialogue.

True, there is not enough discussion about those who come out at mid-life. Reflecting a bit, I realize how many people I have met over the years who were not teenagers or young adults trying to fit their new self-awareness into their goals and aspirations for their futures, but mid-life adults whose life experiences, values and priorities had been fully shaped before they were able to do the psychological, emotional and spiritual homework involved in “coming out.” I remember, for example:

• A grand-father who had lived a furtive second sexual life for some years, but finally came out to his wife, who was outraged, rejected him and immediately filed for divorce. “Don’t even think you will tell the children,” she threatened him, “or you will never see your grandchildren again!”
• A Lutheran pastor who was heterosexually married for a number of years before he became aware that the sexual dysfunctionality in his marriage was really because of his underlying sexual orientation, which he had suspected since he was 20. So why did he marry? Because he had been taught as a young person, as Martin Luther believed, that “marriage is the cure for fornication.”
• A mature woman who was aware of occasional but significant emotional bonds with other women, but who was not in touch with her own erotic feelings for a variety of reasons, including the fact that women of her generation were strongly discouraged from paying attention to their bodies or to anything erotic.

Where do mid-life people turn for support? How do they begin to appropriately fit into the lesbian/gay community, at any level, when they don’t know the vocabulary, history or culture that comes along with it which is typically picked up by young people very quickly? Learning gay or learning lesbian at mid-life is just as difficult as learning French or Portuguese.

And in a sexual culture where youth and beauty are prized, how does someone over 40, or over 50, compete for sexual and emotional attention? How does one go about the process of dating and mating, as a beginner at mid-life? One divorcee, the father of adult children, told me that he was experiencing adolescence all over again in mid-life as a single gay man. He has since settled down with a partner and exchanged promises in a liturgical ceremony.

Probably the greatest difficulty in coming out at mid-life is the social pressure to just keep on living the life one has lived before—and so to stifle one’s inner struggle, one’s secrets, pains, longings, loneliness, whatever. Just “put up with it,” rather than attempt a major change in one’s life. It is like changing course in the middle of the swimming pool when you’ve already swum much of the length of it and the water is really deep and you’re getting tired.

I am mindful of St. Paul’s advice that a Christian should just be content to remain in the status or place one is already in (1 Corinthians 7:17–24). “In whatever condition you were called, brothers and sisters, there remain with God.” Yes, but . . . !! Yes, but . . . there are a lot of factors involved, Paul, and that advice ought not to be applied with a broad brush. I had to rethink such things myself when I first became aware of the issues many transgender people have lived through, in order to be truthful and honest to themselves as well as to others about their gender identity. If there is deeply-rooted gender dysphoria (I think that’s the right term?), it is surely not serving God truthfully to be tormented, obsessed or preoccupied, miserable, conflicted and even self-destructive because there is a passage in the Bible that says we ought to be able to put up with our condition for the sake of Jesus.

If truth be told, that passage has probably been applied a lot because others (family, church, friends) wanted to protect their own comfort level. It can make the kids uncomfortable to find out that Dear Old Dad has “decided” he is gay at age 46 or 55.  Why couldn’t he just ignore the feelings? Why couldn’t he at least keep them to himself?

Coming out, at any age, is essentially the work and the fruit of personal integrity. None of us has the right to expect another to live without integrity just because it is disruptive or confusing or uncomfortable. Ultimately, we prize the wisdom and maturity which comes with age, and sometimes that wisdom and maturity urges us to drop all the pretenses and appearances and games we’ve played earlier in life in order to fully be who we are. And if who we are is gay or lesbian, or bisexual or transgender, so be it.  Surely God understands.

—Pastor Dan Hooper, Los Angeles

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