Coming out badly, but making it better.

October 29, 2007 by Pastor Dan.

A member of our congregation called me last week, trying to think quickly of someone to call for help. A friend of his who is 18, really a recent acquaintance, had just come out to his parents, and was kicked out of the house. As of last week, he was sleeping at another friend’s house (what www.doubletongued.org describes as “couch homelessness”).

My first question was whether this young man was depressed or even slightly suicidal. Where to live and how to make up with your parents can come later. The first thing is to preserve his life and remind him that being kicked out is only a temporary disaster.

While I was on the phone, I began looking for other contacts, including—here in Los Angeles—the L.A. Gay and Lesbian Center and especially Youth Services (the Jeff Griffith Youth Center. Especially see this page on youth homelessness.

Kids always suspect their parent make stupid decisions. This seems to be the proof of it, when a parent says they love you and want the best for you, and then get hostile and angry when you tell the truth. Remember, parents are human too and they screw up.

Look at it this way: Coming out is a sign of your growing maturity and wisdom. But at least trying to anticipate and understand your parents’ thinking is an equally big sign of maturity and wisdom. If they have already rejected you, you are now facing two very big and important things.

First is your day-to-day survival. Thank God there are some resources out there.

Second is your ability to forgive your parents for failing to understand and kicking you out, — so be prepared to wait awhile for them to come around.

What if parents never come around? Human life is filled with tragedies, and this is one of them.

A few other quick and notable contacts:

1. The Human Rights Campaign has a “Coming Out Project”. You can download this 23-page resource guide.
2. Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) also has resources. Visit this short list of hotlines to offer you support.

A Google search for “coming out to parents” generated 16,300,000 hits. If you’re having an emergency, I don’t think you have time to surf all that. But you should find a real live human being you can trust to talk and to support you.  If you’re thinking about coming out, then I do recommend that you plan it, and learn what you’re getting into before you set things in motion. One good resource is Mary V. Borhek’s book, Coming Out to Parents: A Two-Way Survival Guide for Lesbians and Gay Men and Their Parents, which you can get from www.Amazon.com here. It costs $14.04 but they have used copies for less.  Some more quick thoughts:

• Don’t be a loner.
• Ask for respect from others you tell your story to.
• Expect support you can trust.
• Forget “drama” if you are rejected (regret, anger, depression). You will not be rejected by everybody.
• Make new friends if your friends reject you.

If necessary, find new parents! I don’t say this to be funny. I have known many people who adopted other parents that cared for them, people who just understood right away and didn’t reject them. Family relationships are wonderful, if they’re wonderful. But if they are not, the biological family is not the only family there is.  Make a family.  Seek a family. Invest your love and respect and trust in other people until you form a new family.

And don’t leave God out of your family. Like a wise grandparent (when your parent doesn’t understand), God does accept you and loves you as you are. If you don’t believe this, or have heard otherwise, contact me right away.

—Pastor Dan Hooper, Los Angeles

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